Communication Styles and the Power of Assertiveness
There are many challenges that create potential blocks to successful communications. Some of these blocks or borders include age, gender, cultural, or race differences. They also include communication styles—how we say what we say to others.
So how can you overcome all these barriers? There are skills that you can learn in order to erase these borders and bring greater confidence, less problems with teamwork, and greater productivity. Learning basic assertiveness is one of these skills. It’s quite simple, but it takes practice and time to fully incorporate it. It is appropriate for most Western cultures, but not all Asian or indigenous cultures. Make sure you learn about any different cultures before attempting to communicate.
In Western culture, we usually all grow up with one basic way of communicating:
Passive:
If you are passive you usually let everyone else have their way, take the first choice, or make the decisions. You say, “that’s all right,” or “it doesn’t matter.” But it does, and you often end up with feelings of resentment or hurt.
Aggressive:
If you are aggressive, you make sure you get what you want, but you will find that people often stay away from you because they don’t like to deal with someone who is unwilling to compromise. You’re always right and to use an old word, you’re a “bully.”
Passive-Aggressive:
If you are passive-aggressive you are accommodating on the outside—you agree with whatever is being proposed on the surface. But somehow something “happens” that disrupts, undermines, or sabotages the original decision. You get your way, but not as a result of direct communication. Ultimately, others will realize this and will steer clear of you.
Assertive:
If you are assertive, you ask for or state what you want in a way that does not undermine yourself (passive style), bully someone (aggressive style), or undermine another in an indirect way (passive-aggressive style). You do so in calm, clear, and direct way.
Assertive behavior is straightforward, respectful, and honest. When you are assertive, after you state what you want, you listen actively and reflectively. You are able to negotiate, collaborate, and compromise to find the best solution for all concerned.
One client was very passive and always saying “yes” whenever she was asked to take on something new. She felt her stress level becoming intolerable and found herself being irritated at small matters that normally wouldn’t have bothered her. Then she learned a simple phrase that gave her time to gather the courage to say “no.” She learned to say, “Let me think about it.” This phrase will help if you are unable to say “no” easily. Eventually, with practice, you will be able to say “no” the first time.
If you are aggressive by nature, you won’t have a problem saying “no,” but you may hurt relationships with your abruptness. The best starting place for aggressive people is to say something like, “No, I’m sorry I can’t do that right now. I’m really overwhelmed with x, y, and z. Perhaps I can help another time.” In other words, soften your answer with an explanation, and do so in a caring tone of voice.
When you communicate assertively, you will be respected for taking a stand and still being able to work with others to creatively find the best resolutions to any problem or situation. Others will look to you to help them find answers and to participate in decision-making, because they know you will give truthful yet caring responses.
Assertiveness skills, along with other strategies for excellent communication, are part of the foundation necessary for success in any personal or business relationship today.
